Communication and Sex
By Sara Twogood, MD
Sex and the City Season 2
Episode 2 -
The Awful Truth
At the heart of this episode, the question is:
Are there still certain things during a relationship that you shouldn’t say?
Examples from our gang:
With friendships, should you tell your friend her partner / boyfriend / husband is a jackass?
With ex-boyfriends, should you tell them you still have feelings?
With sexual partners, how much should you say out loud during sex?
The most interesting anecdote here is Miranda’s.
She is dating / sleeping with a dermatologist who loves to talk dirty during sex.
First scene: a non-stop stream during sex and wants her to join in. She squeaks out “uh huh” and “yep” in a high-pitched, self-conscious tone when he asks her to join in.
After talking it over with friends, she decides she needs to try it if she wants to keep him.
Next scene: She’s into it – sees it turns them both on.
Next scene (and the last we hear about him, ever): as they’re lying in bed, he’s encouraging her sex talk … but then shuts it all down when she says “you like it when I put my finger in your ass”.
In the medical literature, studies show communication about sex almost always has a positive effect on sex itself. When they’re studying communication, most studies mean verbal strategies before, during, and/or after sex, although some include nonverbal forms or during sex only. Miranda and her dermatologist would fall into the verbal communication during and after sex category, for reference.
Here are some highlights from studies:
High levels of sexual communication correlate with sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction
Communicating positive feelings during sex associates with higher likelihood of orgasm
Sexual communication during sex helps minimize pain and increases pleasure during sexual encounters
If this all sounds great and you want you to be more verbal but feel self-conscious, here are some tips:
Think of other times in your life when you are doing a (non-sexual) activity that should feel good or get you results. I like thinking of getting a massage. Sometimes the masseuse instinctively feels your tight zones and works on them in a way that feels good with minimal communication. But that’s not that common. Most of the time they do their routine massage their way because it works for most people or no one has complained otherwise. But what if that doesn’t work for you? What if you’re in the middle of the worse massage of your life? You should speak up! Tell them the type of pressure that works better for you; tell them specific areas to concentrate. They want you to be happy with your massage and you want to be happy with it. Verbal communication helps achieve that. Now, go through those sentences and replace “masseuse” with “sexual partner” and “massage” with “sex”. It seems more obvious and less daunting, right?
Try a little bit at a time. A little moan, or small grunt. Or just commit to NOT silencing yourself intentionally. See how it feels, see how your partner responds. I bet it will be encouraging.
Don’t judge yourself. There is no right or wrong way to behave during sex. There is not a “good” amount of noise to make. Putting judgment on what you’re doing during sex can backfire and make you feel even more self-conscious.
Do it for yourself. Miranda forced herself to be verbal during sex because she was afraid of losing him. It worked for her, but I want to reframe it a bit for you: if you want to be more verbal do it because YOU want to try something else, YOU want to see how it feels, YOU want better communication. It’s not because you’re trying to impress or keep some partner.