Feeling Sexy As We Age
By Alyssa Quimby, MD
This post is inspired by Sex and the City’s The Freak Show - Season 2, Episode 3
In this episode, Carrie goes on a series of 3 sad dates which leaves her wondering where all the normal men have gone. She dates – “the man without a soul” who presents as a documentarian do-gooder when he really just wants to make money, “the man with two faces” who clearly has anger issues, and “the man who steals cheap books for no reason” aka the millionaire klepto. For those of you reading this who are in long-term relationships, perhaps take this as a message to appreciate the good in your current partner. Because at least according to Carrie – single life is rough out there!
But this isn’t actually what I want to talk about today.
What I want to talk about is sex and aging and how we can still feel sexy as we get older and become more disenfranchised with our aging bodies.
A small but significant aspect of this episode has to do with Samantha. On one of her many hot dates - this time with a hot shot attorney who specializes in sexual harassment – he offhandedly calls her “an older woman”. This sets her into a tailspin which ends with a visit to a plastic surgeon and many tears.
Not that we’re all running to plastic surgeons to make our aging bodies look younger - but I think it’s a rare woman who doesn’t struggle with her age and still feeling sexy. I hear this all the time especially after my patients have babies or as they make the transition into perimenopause. “My body is changing and I don’t like it”. Or “I always knew what to do to get fit and now it’s not working”. Or “I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore”. Of course much of this has to do with weight gain, but I also commonly hear women complain about thinning hair, dry skin, and wrinkles.
There are two approaches to take here if this is you…
One – do something about it! And more specifically I mean, control what you have control over. No, I do not have the secret to the fountain of youth but you can consider the following. This of course will look different for each of us:
Hire a personal trainer to help you design a workout plan that will work better with your body
If you already feel like you know how to work out, be more committed to it – either be more consistent, or switch up your workouts if you’re working out regularly but not getting results
Lift more weights
Take a good look at your diet to see where you can make tweaks – almost all women need more protein and veggies!
Consider keeping a food journal for a week – it will give you a better sense of what you’re really eating and helps you stay more accountable
If hair thinning is an issue for you – consider one of the many over the counter hair supplements out there, or talk to your dermatologist
If wrinkles and dry skin is your issue – see a dermatologist and/or develop a relationship with a facialist – they will get to know your skin and can recommend products that can help. A once-a-month facial may be the perfect self-care addition to your stress-filled schedule.
And the second approach – work on loving your body regardless! We can ALL do better here! We are absolutely our worst critics, but our negative self-talk really has to stop. It’s not healthy for us to be so critical and for those of us with kids, this can translate into body image issues for them too.
So while we work on the things we can control, we simultaneously have to work on accepting the things we can’t control. Aging is reality. Period
Here are some strategies to help better accept your body as it is right now:
Stop following all social media accounts that make you feel “less than”
Consider a positive thought journal – you can do this at that same time you do your food journal. At the top, write down 3 positive things about you and then follow it with your food for the day - how you’re going to fuel this amazing woman that you are!
Add meditation to your routine – consider doing this for just 3 minutes every morning. My favorite is first thing in the morning before my kids get up when the house is quiet. Just sit comfortably and breath. Focus on your breath. Notice any thoughts that come up. You may even try repeating a positive mantra - something like “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be” or “I’m beautiful, I’m whole, I’m enough”
These are all just ideas to get you started. You may come up with better ones on your own.
Regardless, I hope you all take this as a message that we don’t just have to live hating our bodies. There is always something we can do about it and we can always work on loving and accepting ourselves more.
